In an utterly predictable turn of events, amidst a truly scorching heatwave (because apparently, even the weather decided to join in the collective exasperation), our esteemed Prime Minister, veneer Starmer, has once again demonstrated his unparalleled commitment to… well, failure. After a truly thrilling display of political brinkmanship, culminating in what experts are gleefully calling an “emasculated bill,” the much-vaunted welfare reform has been gutted with the precision of a surgeon performing an unnecessary appendectomy. One can only marvel at the sheer genius of a policy initially designed to “generate net savings of £5bn” now poised to “even lose the government money overall.” Truly, a masterclass in fiscal management! And so, as Chancellor Rachel Reeves stares down the barrel of raising taxes to fill this surprising £5bn hole, one must ponder: in this enlightened age, with such brilliant stewardship, why do we even bother with this antiquated notion of “paying taxes” at all? Perhaps Universal Basic Income (UBI) isn’t so far-fetched after all, considering the government seems intent on ensuring everyone’s income is, in fact, basic.

A sweltering heatwave held sway,
While Starmer, in a rather grim way,
His welfare bill's plight,
Gutted clean out of sight,
Leaving many in utter dismay.